Destiny is the Coolest Game Ever, Except Not Really

Destiny
My friends all have Destiny. It’s all some of them play. And so I asked what the game was like. Here’s some shit I was told.
IT’S LIKE BORDERLANDS MIXED WITH CALL OF DUTY BUT WITH HALO ENEMIES
 
Except it’s not. Sure, colored orbs drop and that’ll give you a colored weapon, so that’s kind of like Borderlands. But Borderlands is funny, colorful, and the guns are interesting. It has Call of Duty’s iron sights. It has Halo’s enemy that are all called generic cool things like “Cabal,” “Vandals” and “Legionnaires.” Whoa, game changing!
THE MULTIPLAYER IS BALANCED SO HIGH-LEVEL SHIT DON’T WRECK YOU
 
Except it’s not. High-level people have better armor, better guns, and kill you with their super skills. They’re like the rich kids in high school who’s parents gave them a car and they go around RAPING THE OTHER HIGH SCHOOLERS
Destiny is like high school, where some people have the good stuff and all you have is a cheap automatic rifle to kill everyone with.
IT ISN’T LIKE HALO NOT REALLY
 
I mean, it’s a lot like Halo in styling, combat, (shoot shoot melee) and vague storytelling. But at least Halo’s multiplayer is balanced enough so all players, beginners or not, have a chance.
THE ARMOR IS COOL
 
Ok yeah, it is pretty cool. Except everyone picks the fucking Hunter class that has a hood because Assasins Creed and things with hoods are neat. Know who else had hoods? The KKK! Are they neat? If you picked Hunter Class you’re part of the KKK, dick.
YOU GET A LITTLE ROBOT COMPANION
 
Yeah and he’s called a Ghost and I wish he stayed fucking dead. He floats around and doesn’t do shit. He also talks a lot and tries to be whimsical and add comic relief. But he’s not funny and every mission gets encrypted to him. Why can’t they tell me? Fuck Ghost. I’m glad he died in Call of Duty.
THE GAME GETS GOOD AFTER YOU HIT LEVEL 20
 
If you don’t see why that’s a problem get the fuck off the page.
 
THE DLC ADDS A LOT TO IT
 
If you don’t see why that’s a problem get the fuck off the page.
Destiny is a mash up of game genres, and the result is a game that every 7th grader designed in their notebooks during math class. It’s Halo, Call of Duty and an MMO all in one, and it doesn’t fit well. There is about a million different currencies and I have no idea what any of them do. It’s like a fucked third world nation that turns into three other nations due to civil war, and there’s like four different Yugoslavian dollars.
Destiny is like the Articles of Confederation. Awesome idea, it just doesn’t pay out.
Destiny is a shit game and I hate it but I’ll keep playing it for a few months or whatever.
–Alex, 5/12/2015
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